So you are friends with a pole dancer – congratulations! Welcome to our wonderful community. Wait! What are all these photos about? What are these people doing? That looks painful! What on earth is a rainbow marchenko? What are these people on about?
Don’t panic – there is much to learn but sit back and enjoy – here is my non pole dancer’s guide to the pole dancer in your life – AKA a Muggle’s Guide to Pole Dancers.
We love sharing our photos
We love pole photos – they are a brilliant way to track progress, and get tips from others on what we are doing right or wrong. Plus we are proud of our achievements – if you’d spent 18 months trying to do something and then finally managed it, wouldn’t you be proud? That’s longer than it takes to have a baby.
We wear different clothes
We are not used to wearing much clothing. On the pole, it’s for safety reasons – fabric slips off metal poles and we need skin contact to grip to the pole, which is why we have to have as much skin as possible on display. But even off the pole, our wardrobes aren’t like other people’s. Instead of the usual brands everyone knows and covets, we aspire to wear stuff by Vekker and MilaKrasna, and legwarmers and stuff from Pole Junkie and Pole Sweet Pole. This is our uniform.
If we are wearing actual clothes, it will invariably be lycra or leggings of some description because you never know when you will need to stop, drop and split. Also we like to keep warm, because warm means more bendy and less prone to injury, so we like scarves and wrappy type things. We also like to be comfy, because for goodness sake we use up our discomfort quota on the pole. Think Kids From Fame meets Black Swan meets homelessness.
8 inch Pleasers are not what you think
We wear special shoes – known in the muggle world as stripper heels, but officially named (I’m not making this up) Pleasers. You know what I’m talking about – those clear heels Chris Rock does a whole skit about in his Never Scared show. CLEAR HEELS! These are actually professional dance shoes, and believe it or not are a lot easier to walk and dance in than normal shoes. They start low, at 5/6 inches, and go up to 10 inches. Always a big moment when someone announces “Finally ready for 8 inch Pleasers and never going back!” Also not as obscene as it sounds.
CLEAR HEELS! And look, we can store chocolate in them! See, effective AND practical.
We don’t take normal photos
LOL at people who go to landmarks like the Grand Canyon or Eiffel Tower and stand politely in front of it for a photo, smiling with arms casually draped around each other. Nice try, people who set up amusing perspective pics by the Leaning Tower of Pisa so it looks the same size as you. We know however that the only thing to do in any photo anywhere is some ridiculous bendy dancer type pose. Helicopter ride? Handstand. Trafalgar Square? Split. Amusingly named shop? Do that dancer leg-in-the-air thing. You know the thing I mean.
Even better if you are with your poler friends and you can create a whole range of poses in one photo while other people trying to take photos look on impatiently. Sorry, we know it’s annoying, but it’s bloody fun.
Not even sorry
We don’t wear underwear
OK we obviously do wear underwear but usually we can’t be arsed with proper undercrackers. We just wear Off The Pole tops and shorts (all hail Sarah Scott) because they are so comfy, but the good news is that when we DO wear underwear it’s deemed a special occasion and we go all out. Think Sunday Best, sponsored by Agent Provocateur. Actually this might just be me. Should probably have researched this one a bit better. “Dear strangers, please tell me about your underwear choices”. Which brings us to…
We have totally different boundaries of what is inappropriate
We spend so much time in each other’s company, and in such close proximity, that boundaries can become blurred. While it’s not the case that we just feel entitled to touch people without consent, we do spot each other in class and are very much at ease with the human body. Within the industry this translates to conversations which might seem strange but to us are completely normal. Talking about running away to have babies with Sarah Scott? Totally standard. (Sarah Scott even came up on my autocorrect typing that, that’s how standard it is). Convos about your gay friends riding you into next week? Completely OK. Last week one of my pole friends come to stay and we found ourselves having a conversation while she was on the toilet and I was in the bath. Completely normal. It’s a secret club though – if someone outside of the pole community tried this, they’d find themselves in a not inconsiderable amount of trouble.
We are not delicate little flowers
From your very first pole lesson, you will learn that pole is not easy. Bumps, bruises and scrapes are quite normal. Everyone is different, and we are of course responsible with our safety, but don’t be surprised to see the pole dancer in your life bearing bruises, burns, abrasions and callouses with pride, or even without any awareness whatsoever, so normal do these badges of training become.
Hot
We say unusual things
“Can you pass me my foot?”
“Can you just stand there so I don’t die”
“Your arse looks amazing, I want to bite it”
“I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on”
“You need the pole more up your bum crack”
All completely standard, and heard in pole class on a daily basis.
We keep odd hours
If we are studio owners we may make our own hours, but these are built around the times that work best for our students. That might be Friday nights or Sunday afternoons or Wednesday lunchtimes, and we have to build our social lives around that. Even for those who aren’t instructors, you will still probably find that pole class is a priority. We might do our best drinking on Wednesday nights, as weekends are often taken up with workshops and masterclasses. If you hang out with a pole dancer, be prepared for your plans to be bumped in favour of a last-minute floorwork masterclass with a pole icon.
We have different ambitions
You might want to learn a new language, or get a promotion, or travel the world. My life would be complete if I could get my toe to touch my head without crying. Different strokes for different folks and all that…
We eat really well
Hahahahaha I’m already laughing out loud at this one and I haven’t even written it yet. OK let me retitle that: We try to eat really well. Our bodies work better when we fuel them well, and taking nutrition seriously has a big impact on our training. If the pole dancer in your life is preparing for a competition, or planning a photo shoot or is even just in an intense training phase, be prepared for their diet to be taken seriously, and I don’t mean fad diets. This is about nutrition, not weight loss. Essentially we are athletes and our eating habits reflect that. Mostly. Sometimes. OK who fancies a KFC?
We have this thing called Sunday Bumday
Created by the goddess Michelle Shimmy, Sunday Bumday is a weekly celebration of – guess what – the amazing peachy arse that pole gives you. Extra points if your Sunday Bumday picture is creative, unusual or involves a large amount of people. There are even butt selfie tutorials online. It’s also entirely aimed at the pole community, not at titillating men – which pretty much sums up pole completely. Basically we like skimpy clothing and think the human body is a wonderful thing, and we like complimenting each other.
Bad Kitty’s Las Vegas Pole Expo Sunday Bumday. Yes, I’m the only one with my legs apart.
We fully endorse, support and promote body positivity
We don’t care what you body looks like. We don’t care if you haven’t exercised in years or that you are carrying extra weight or have stretch marks or cellulite (guess what, EVERY WOMAN DOES). Lumps and bumps, dodgy tattoos, self harm scars, any pole studio in the world has seen it all. We don’t focus on what your body looks like, we concentrate on what it can do. We aren’t trying to get thigh gaps or zero percent body fat, we are working on strength, flexibility and flow. I see a hundred women in a week in essentially their underwear, and one thing I have learned is there is no such thing as the perfect body. Everyone is different and everyone is perfect in their own way. This community will support you no matter what you look like.
So congratulations on having a pole dancer in your life. In short, if you are looking to hang out with someone fun, fit, healthy, supportive and with a side line in inappropriate humour with a wide array of sparkly knickers, you could do a lot worse than a pole dancer.
BEXIITA ACKLAND